April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
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how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
never forget
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.