April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
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Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Same pineapple, same
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!