April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
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How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.