April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
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I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote