hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
You Might Also Like
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
What if the weather talks about us?
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?