Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
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Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore