Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
[aquaman origin story]
*falls out of boat*
help! im drowni- oh… no, im good, actually
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Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside