@trojansauce

[aquaman origin story]

*falls out of boat*
help! im drowni- oh… no, im good, actually

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@panmidwest

THERAPIST: what’s wrong?

WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!

ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?

@JohnLyonTweets

My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.

@PimpleEye

I always carry cake, just in case someone pulls a knife on me.

@_freebird99_

Her: I don’t know what I would do without my kids.
Me: me neither! But probably watch a 26 minute show on Netflix in under 6 hours.

@MissHavisham

6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…

Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.

6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.

@elle91

Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no

@nihilist_arbys

Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap

@Demented_Jokes

Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.

@jake_likes_naps

*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying