THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
[aquaman origin story]
*falls out of boat*
help! im drowni- oh… no, im good, actually
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My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
I always carry cake, just in case someone pulls a knife on me.
Her: I don’t know what I would do without my kids.
Me: me neither! But probably watch a 26 minute show on Netflix in under 6 hours.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
OH MY GOD THE INSPIRATIONAL TWEETS ARE COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying