@trojansauce

[aquaman origin story]

*falls out of boat*
help! im drowni- oh… no, im good, actually

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@jackiembouvier

Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.

@carlyken

Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED

@AClkwrkStarfish

The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.

@stephenjmolloy

Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”

Staff member: “Bonus!”

Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”

@internetluke

[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”

@mkat816

Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?

@excesstential

My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant

@ObiWanPunobi

Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.

Wife: What? Why?

Me: I was calling her Siri.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: I’m naming our next kid.

@JediGigi

The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.

@lucidchemistry

Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside