@trojansauce
@panmidwest
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
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@panmidwest
@JohnLyonTweets
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
@PimpleEye
I always carry cake, just in case someone pulls a knife on me.
@_freebird99_
Her: I don’t know what I would do without my kids.
Me: me neither! But probably watch a 26 minute show on Netflix in under 6 hours.
@MissHavisham
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
@elle91
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
@nihilist_arbys
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
@IamEnidColeslaw
OH MY GOD THE INSPIRATIONAL TWEETS ARE COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
@Demented_Jokes
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
@jake_likes_naps
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying