[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
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[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Best mom ever 😂
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.