Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
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you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.