@JohnLyonTweets

Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.

Puffer fish: Dammit.

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@iAmDelFreaky

Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.

I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.

I have diarrhea.

@mid_sommar

you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter

@bornmiserable

It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.

@omerwahaj

He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.

He’s a stable genius.

@LindaInDisguise

Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.

Him: Make a will?

Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.

@truegritrumble

(Show and Tell)

TEACHER: What do you have to show today?

ME: My pet.

TEACHER: Let’s see it then.

ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!

*the earth begins to shake*

@asaltiercorpse

My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.

I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.

@Playing_Dad

Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.