Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
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I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man