[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
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Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Yup.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!