@Sorrowscopes

Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?

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@stinky_blinders

Doctor: It turns out, you have a very rare disease

Me: Oh no

Dr: But I’ve discovered the Cure

Me: Really?!?

Dr: Yes, they’re a rock band from the 80’s and 90’s, you should give them a listen with what little time you have left

@Ygrene

Early Bird: *gets worm*

Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*

Early Bird: SONOFA

@Pmerrily

Stole a cart from this woman at Walmart today. I like to think of it as playing grand theft auto suburbs edition.

@JoeMande

“Make it look like I live in a Cheesecake Factory.” – NBA players to their interior designers

@_MStJohn

Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do

@leapeajo

*Sweeping the floor

Lower back: “Time to go out!”

Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”

Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”

*cries hunchbackedly

@panmidwest

ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!

MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.

@5oulhealer

When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.