Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?

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Doctor: It turns out, you have a very rare disease

Me: Oh no

Dr: But I’ve discovered the Cure

Me: Really?!?

Dr: Yes, they’re a rock band from the 80’s and 90’s, you should give them a listen with what little time you have left


Early Bird: *gets worm*

Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*

Early Bird: SONOFA


Stole a cart from this woman at Walmart today. I like to think of it as playing grand theft auto suburbs edition.


“Make it look like I live in a Cheesecake Factory.” – NBA players to their interior designers


Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do


*Sweeping the floor

Lower back: “Time to go out!”

Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”

Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”

*cries hunchbackedly


ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!

MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.


When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.