Doctor: It turns out, you have a very rare disease
Me: Oh no
Dr: But I’ve discovered the Cure
Dr: Yes, they’re a rock band from the 80’s and 90’s, you should give them a listen with what little time you have left
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
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*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Stole a cart from this woman at Walmart today. I like to think of it as playing grand theft auto suburbs edition.
“Make it look like I live in a Cheesecake Factory.” – NBA players to their interior designers
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
moms in horror movies
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.