Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
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Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Beauty and the Beast
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down