Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
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I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Spring cleaning checklist…
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!