Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
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China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Same pineapple, same
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!