Aragorn: You have my sword.

Legolas: And my bow.

Gimli: And my axe.

LANDLORD: And my goddamn rent, which is way past due!!

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It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner


*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
A no-good red!
Tough guy eh?
We can do this all night.


ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying

WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?

ME: first of all, he says you’re rude


My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.

In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.


[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.


Who decided to call it “Emotional Baggage” and not “Griefcase”?


Kid at my door: Trick or treat

Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?


COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist

ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead

PICASSO: I got this