Friend: oh my god, I’m pregnant, what have I done?
Me: like, to humanity?
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
You Might Also Like
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Thought I saw a walking burrito but it was just a pug in a raincoat.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
A cool fun way to stop his snoring so you can finally get some sleep is to separate the head from the body.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic