Every chick magazine ever:
You’re beautiful and are perfect just the way you are!
How to loose ten pounds in ten days you fat, ugly cow.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
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Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Me: I asked the waitress for diet Coke and she thought I said rum and Coke.
Boss: 5 times?
Me: Yeah I guess.
M: HR again?
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?