@serendipitydon1

Aragorn: You have my sword.

Legolas: And you have my bow.

Gimli: And my axe.

Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.

Aragorn: But we’re heading to –

Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.

You Might Also Like

@JamieLeeCuntis

Friend: oh my god, I’m pregnant, what have I done?

Me: like, to humanity?

@withanewname

Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!

Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?

Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.

@

a:1:{s:7:”retweet”;i:1;}

@WigCannon

Thought I saw a walking burrito but it was just a pug in a raincoat.

@elunatyk

Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.

@gHOEstgurl

jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job

@NikiWithIssues

A cool fun way to stop his snoring so you can finally get some sleep is to separate the head from the body.

@Buffalojilll

Him: Can you turn on the wifi?

Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*

@2tickytacky

I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.

@nameshiv

For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic