My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
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wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Plot twist: dogs act scared of vacuums to avoid housework.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
In general my philosophy is do whatever you want if it doesn’t hurt people and it’s not two spaces after a period.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?