@IanKarmel

Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.

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@erichwithach

My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.

@iwearaonesie

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing

@justabloodygame

As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.

@adamjest

Plot twist: dogs act scared of vacuums to avoid housework.

@btiici

Wife: I want a divorce

Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.

Wife: then drink the tea I made for you

@fmanjoo

In general my philosophy is do whatever you want if it doesn’t hurt people and it’s not two spaces after a period.

@doooiiiit

How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?

@Donna_McCoy

Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.

@PaperWash

[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?