Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
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I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.