@ThugRaccoons

[Arby’s]

Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all

Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when

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@pizzajaynow

When someone yawns, I like to yell “Surprise Dentist!” and stick my hand in their mouth, which is fun because I’m not really a dentist.

@SnarkyMommy78

You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.

@NurseKimaaa

It’s so awkward when a man texts you to come over and you have to pretend like you weren’t already inside their house.

@envydatropic

I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.

@jayonguitar

If your girlfriend offers to make you breakfast at 2 AM. She’s probably not your girlfriend and your just drunk at Denny’s again.

@ImaFlyontheWall

Bob: Who is that?
Me:That’s Ted, he’s the opposite of a hypochondriac..
Ted’s arm falls off
Ted: Hey guys!
Bob: Holy shit!
Ted: What, I’m ok

@DvuslyMarvelous

[At Mexican Restaurant]
Me:asks for food to be spicy hot
Waitress: how hot?
Me:
Waitress:my people hot or your people hot

@moron_online

I am the human equivalent of that little line of dirt that never goes into the dustpan no matter how hard you sweep it

@DumbConfessions

Walmart greeter smiled at me. Long story short, the weddings Friday.

Everyone’s invited.

Except Harold. HE said I’d NEVER find true love.

@MartaEffing

Is it possible to divorce someone twice? Not re-marry and divorce again, but divorce twice so you’re completely done. Like, extra divorced.