Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all

Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when

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When someone yawns, I like to yell “Surprise Dentist!” and stick my hand in their mouth, which is fun because I’m not really a dentist.


You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.


It’s so awkward when a man texts you to come over and you have to pretend like you weren’t already inside their house.


I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.


If your girlfriend offers to make you breakfast at 2 AM. She’s probably not your girlfriend and your just drunk at Denny’s again.


Bob: Who is that?
Me:That’s Ted, he’s the opposite of a hypochondriac..
Ted’s arm falls off
Ted: Hey guys!
Bob: Holy shit!
Ted: What, I’m ok


[At Mexican Restaurant]
Me:asks for food to be spicy hot
Waitress: how hot?
Waitress:my people hot or your people hot


I am the human equivalent of that little line of dirt that never goes into the dustpan no matter how hard you sweep it


Walmart greeter smiled at me. Long story short, the weddings Friday.

Everyone’s invited.

Except Harold. HE said I’d NEVER find true love.


Is it possible to divorce someone twice? Not re-marry and divorce again, but divorce twice so you’re completely done. Like, extra divorced.