I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
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[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.