[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
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If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Alexa: *deep breath*
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU