[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
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Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you