@McGrumpenstein

Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!

Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!

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@sofarrsogud

WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.

ME: “Your”

@DrakeGatsby

Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do

Google: Call 911

Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE

@BunAndLeggings

4yo: we have a weed farm!

Lady:

Me: weedS in our yard

Lady: *rapidly walks away*

Me: MY KIDS DON’T GET HIGH

2yo: I get high *jumps*

@InternetHippo

JESUS: I am the way, the truth, and the life

ME: This guy is definitely an only child

@lazerdoov

Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog

@fro_vo

Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying

@DamonHunzeker

If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.

@Dildo_Hitler

Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling

@JayTuvz

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.

@dulcetry

[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella

[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife