Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
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First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream