WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!
Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
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Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
4yo: we have a weed farm!
Me: weedS in our yard
Lady: *rapidly walks away*
Me: MY KIDS DON’T GET HIGH
2yo: I get high *jumps*
JESUS: I am the way, the truth, and the life
ME: This guy is definitely an only child
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife