I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
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if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white