@TheHyyyype

archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!

archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?

archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird

archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?

archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this

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@mom_ontherocks

My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person

@Karate_Horse

A fun thing to do is take a group picture at a party. Then leave & print it at Walgreens. Buy a frame & place it on the mantel at the party.

@SissiSay

Psychiatrists say girls tend to marry men like their fathers. That is probably the reason mothers cry at weddings.

@PeachyPixel8

You have tattoos and curves?

*unbuttons pants*

You’re also batshit crazy?

*takes off pants*

You listen to Paramore?

*puts on clothes*

@Bob_Janke

I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot

@TheMichaelRock

Her: is he trained?

Wife: of course!

Me[from the couch] QUIT TRYING TO SELL ME ON CRAIGSLIST

@Brianhopecomedy

I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.

@AnOrangeSNES

The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.

@DontWorryBoutB

my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.