archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!

archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?

archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird

archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?

archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this

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My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person


A fun thing to do is take a group picture at a party. Then leave & print it at Walgreens. Buy a frame & place it on the mantel at the party.


Psychiatrists say girls tend to marry men like their fathers. That is probably the reason mothers cry at weddings.


You have tattoos and curves?

*unbuttons pants*

You’re also batshit crazy?

*takes off pants*

You listen to Paramore?

*puts on clothes*


I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot


Her: is he trained?

Wife: of course!



I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.


The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.


my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.