@praisecheese

“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”

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@Mr_Kapowski

[ATM, with a line of people behind me]

Me: *turns around* Sorry, forgot my PIN. How does that song go? 867 and then what?

@iwearaonesie

me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat

@ramblinma

“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”

@dog_feelings

it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund

@sir_shithead_I

*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.

@gerryhallcomedy

If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!

@shanethevein

Twitter is what happens when you take the red pill and the blue pill.

@heidiknits

Just had a 9 minute argument with The Boy over why he needs to change his underwear this morning.

Don’t forget your birth control, friends.

@Carbosly

I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.