@praisecheese

“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”

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@shutupmikeginn

Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan

@Spaziotwat

[First day, CSI]

Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”

@CelebrityChez

Day one of my juice cleanse: I feel incredible!
Day two: I have carjacked an ice cream truck and fought the manager of Bed Bath & Beyond.

@NCSox

Writer: “Is it ‘firsthand’ or ‘first hand’?”
Editor: “Either one is fine.”

@Swishergirl24

I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.

@moutheaters

“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane

@UncleDuke1969

[doorbell]

“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”

*closes door*

@WittySassBasket

*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.

@Fred_Delicious

*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*

@ashmensch

That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.