“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
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Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper