“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”

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[ATM, with a line of people behind me]

Me: *turns around* Sorry, forgot my PIN. How does that song go? 867 and then what?


me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat


“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”


it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund


*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
M: I know. They were organized.


If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!


Twitter is what happens when you take the red pill and the blue pill.


Just had a 9 minute argument with The Boy over why he needs to change his underwear this morning.

Don’t forget your birth control, friends.


I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.