“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
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I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
The government even made aliens boring
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president