Are all females on twitter moms? Is my mom here? Mom? You there doin drunk tweets?

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One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying


Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.


[texting my girlfriend]


“Just finished my homework”

Cool, Send a pic (; ?

*gf sends a nude*

Ewww wtf!! i meant of your homework!


ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist

LOUIS: uh, race car driver

ME: that too


I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.


I just watched one bird chase another bird from tree to tree for five minutes.

It was probably over a stolen tweet.


How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what


Pet Review: Horses

Cost: Thousands of dollars
Pros: Bragging about owning a horse
Cons: Can literally kick your face off, big teeth



her: i’m going to a concert

me: to see who

her: Bad English

me: sorry, to see whom