When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
You Might Also Like
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*