Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
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Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Denise please return my vape pen
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.