@suecorvette

Are all the non essential oils out of work now?

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@HomeProbably

When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.

I know that now.

@Book_Krazy

Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?

9: You

Me: What about me?

9: You won’t think its as funny as we do

@MacMallyMMA

The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs

@LackOfShame

[their last appetizer]

Her: I don’t want it. You have it.

Him: I don’t want it either, you…

Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it

@Darlainky

[at lunch with friend]

Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.

Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?

Friend: Exactly *winks*

@Fickle_Filly

Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…

No, not the glass one.

@Browtweaten

Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*

Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911

@PetrickSara

Brushing my daughter’s hair

Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.

@playneck

Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows

@SirEviscerate

DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*