Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.

What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner

Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.

Me: Thanks, you look good too.

[anniversary text]

H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.

M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?

Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!

Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.

“Last call for flight 254”

[Runs to gate]

“You barely made it”

[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan

My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.

Breakfast is weird at my house.

I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.

Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat

My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.

I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦

A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.

I SCREAM

YOU SCREAM

WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!

Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]

WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her

There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case

I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.

Only the dog is happy about this.

*weird horror movie sounds*

me: it’s okay, it was just the cat

cat: ah hell nah

me: what?

demon: meow?

Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..

[breaking up with a guy]

Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.

Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?

Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.

Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.

thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years

My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.

Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $1,600.

Jogging has never helped my memory.

*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?

Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.

Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.