Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
You Might Also Like
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
I didn’t come here to be called names
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.