How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
You Might Also Like
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom