@Shenanigans_luv

Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now

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@clichedout

A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand

@ShaeAaron

“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.

@GoldenSpirals

He told me I was the “bee’s knees”.
I believe I merit being compared to something more like a lemur’s femur.
Who doesn’t love Zoboomafoo?

@SpenceDen

I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.

@CantWaitToNap

When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting.   I know this now.

@FilthyRichmond

Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.

@CMHorrocks

Is cyanide the most efficient way to kill someone? Asking for a fiend.

@3sunzzz

H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.

M: okay

H: That’s it, okay?

M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.

H: What?

M: What?

@Cyd10e

9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”