[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
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Retailer #1: Hey we just got a bunch of great books in! People are going to love them!
Retailer #2: Great! Let’s put price stickers on them.
#1: The kind that come off easily and cleanly, right?
I will be tweeting telepathically today. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Just flipped my son off behind his back because I’m an adult and don’t get into arguments with 4 year olds.
I kinda like zombies…but can we go ahead & decide whether they can run fast or just walk?…my apocolypse plans depend on it….thanks!
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment