Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now

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Retailer #1: Hey we just got a bunch of great books in! People are going to love them!

Retailer #2: Great! Let’s put price stickers on them.

#1: The kind that come off easily and cleanly, right?

#2: NOPE!


I will be tweeting telepathically today. So if you think of something funny, that was me.


Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.


Just flipped my son off behind his back because I’m an adult and don’t get into arguments with 4 year olds.


I kinda like zombies…but can we go ahead & decide whether they can run fast or just walk?…my apocolypse plans depend on it….thanks!


If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.


*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*

Her: Did you want to buy that?

Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.


Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment