Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
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I hate when that happens.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Meow?
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online