Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now

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A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand


“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.


He told me I was the “bee’s knees”.
I believe I merit being compared to something more like a lemur’s femur.
Who doesn’t love Zoboomafoo?


I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.


When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting.   I know this now.


Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.


Is cyanide the most efficient way to kill someone? Asking for a fiend.


H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.

M: okay

H: That’s it, okay?

M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.

H: What?

M: What?


9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”