@lovemydogduck

Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.

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@Tmoney68

I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.

@TheBoydP

Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.

@blasphe_me

I guess it’s not socially acceptable to put my hand in the shape of a gun into my mouth in the middle of a conversation.

@UnimpressedWU

In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up

@Steelers1972

If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….

@wittwitbarista

By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.

@Amiigat

If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

@SequelsWeWant

Ocean’s 45:

The group gets bigger each heist

It’s too hard to keep secrets

Someone posts the next plan on Facebook

Everyone goes to jail

@dinokitten

*at adoption center*

“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”