I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
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Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
I guess it’s not socially acceptable to put my hand in the shape of a gun into my mouth in the middle of a conversation.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.