I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
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I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
#growingpains
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.