Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
You Might Also Like
What number SPF blocks people?
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.