Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
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If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
This made me smile…
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.