Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
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‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
damn he’s good
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME: