@patnspankme

Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?

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@sofarrsogud

ME: *watching a meteor shower

METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.

@JJSummertime

“Why do birds suddenly appear?”

To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.

@007Pepe_Rex

Top 3 questions asked by my parents:

3) How’s the business?

2) Do you have a girlfriend?

1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?

@Vodkantots

Well well well. If it isn’t old Saint Nick trying to slide down this chimney after ignoring my texts for a year.

@liv_thatsme

Just locked eyes with a spider, but instead of killing him, I ran away & hid so he can spend the whole night stressing about where I am.

@cervixsmash

Psychiatrist cannibal by day, pop star singing sensation by night

Hannibal Montanibal

@OrdinaryAlso

Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?

Random person who answered the phone: Yes.

Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?

@theshantilly

Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*

Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!

Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?

Wife:

Me: Omelette you eat now