ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
You Might Also Like
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Well well well. If it isn’t old Saint Nick trying to slide down this chimney after ignoring my texts for a year.
Just locked eyes with a spider, but instead of killing him, I ran away & hid so he can spend the whole night stressing about where I am.
Psychiatrist cannibal by day, pop star singing sensation by night
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Me: Omelette you eat now