Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
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ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
The Others (2001)
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
every college guy’s fridge