Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”

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a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion


Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.


I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.


[me trying to do magic]
Is this your card?
Is THIS your card?
“Not even close”
What about THIS?
“Trent thats literally a piece of ham”


My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.


SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.

ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.


Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.


My workout schedule:

1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat


Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!


Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.