@McJesse

Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”

You Might Also Like

@jonnysun

a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion

@Mom_Overboard

Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.

@2tickytacky

I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.

@trentistweeting

[me trying to do magic]
Is this your card?
“No”
Is THIS your card?
“Not even close”
What about THIS?
“Trent thats literally a piece of ham”

@mommajessiec

My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.

@ericsshadow

SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.

ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.

@Tmoney68

Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.

@CrackYouWhip

My workout schedule:

1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat

@DrainBamagedHD

Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!

@JohnLyonTweets

Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.