Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
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Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”