Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
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H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.