@PimpBillClinton

Are Smurfs just a bunch of midget Avatars? #yeahimhigh

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@Try2StopME

A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.

@Julie_Cooker

Guys who go see 50 Shades of Grey… Do you all remain seated an extra 30 min after the movie’s done? 💪

@DrakeGatsby

CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?

ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!

DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?

@XplodingUnicorn

If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven

@MissNaughty1801

The worst thing about finding out Santa isn’t real is that you realise it was your parents who were to blame for all the terrible presents

@FredTaming

[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]

boss: can you cook nights

a dragon: yes

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap

4-year-old: I am

Me: Then why are you standing here?

4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: This is a dream

@StarksWeek

“I put on pants for nothing”

– my 10 yo after she got dressed and her soccer game was cancelled.

Someone set up her Twitter account.

@mstern68

[Creation]

God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!

Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?

G: *throws a rock*

A: Sick shot!

G: Next time, apes

@Marlebean

Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…