My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
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There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.