A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Are Smurfs just a bunch of midget Avatars? #yeahimhigh
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Guys who go see 50 Shades of Grey… Do you all remain seated an extra 30 min after the movie’s done? 💪
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
The worst thing about finding out Santa isn’t real is that you realise it was your parents who were to blame for all the terrible presents
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old: This is a dream
“I put on pants for nothing”
– my 10 yo after she got dressed and her soccer game was cancelled.
Someone set up her Twitter account.
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…