“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
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Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED