Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
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Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
I feel attacked.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Great game to play with friends
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
A flock of dads is called a grill.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake