Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
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Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Van Gone
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?