Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law

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Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.


What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.


“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”


[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]










[Zombie Apocalypse]

Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: K

Record player
Like 4 of his hoodies
800 thread count sheets



1. Find homeless man.

2. Bathe him.

3. Wash & patch up his clothes.

4. Give him a record player.

5. Congratulations, you own a hipster.


I remember when I was a kid I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips 2 candy bars 6 packs of starburst and a cold drink. nowadays they got cameras everywhere


everyone’s always asking me ‘is your son named after the movie?’ and I’m like no idiot Sharknado’s 5 yrs old and the movie came out in 2013


Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.