*braids your voodoo doll’s hair
Me: HAHAHAHA! She will wake up and be like “who braided my hair” HAHAHAHA
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
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ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum. They’re the Tolkien white guys.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
I suggest now is the time to send ISIS some *very* strongly worded emails – then hit them with the biggest petition they’ve ever seen.