@yoyoha

Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law

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@ThaJawn

*braids your voodoo doll’s hair

Me: HAHAHAHA! She will wake up and be like “who braided my hair” HAHAHAHA

@brideylee

On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”

@Mr_DrinksOnMe

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum. They’re the Tolkien white guys.

@AndrewNadeau0

Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.

@Donna_McCoy

“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.

@WornOutMommy

I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat!

@BubblesnBooze

My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.

@JimmerThatisAll

In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.

@GodfreyElfwick

I suggest now is the time to send ISIS some *very* strongly worded emails – then hit them with the biggest petition they’ve ever seen.