What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
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Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.