I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
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Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*