“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
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A Facebook friend posted 8 pictures of himself fixing a lawnmower, so I drove over and shot him. It just felt like the right thing to do.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
When I think of you, I touch myself.
With my finger.
In the back of my throat to help me vomit because you make me nauseous.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”