Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
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I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
is this store having a stroke wtf
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.