Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
You Might Also Like
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
I know karate and tons of other words.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*