Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.

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You can’t make blanket statements & expect people to take you seriously, but since I hate clowns I’m pretty sure everyone else does too.


Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.


Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.


See you guys when I get out of prison.

My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.


How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.


When my doctor diagnosed me with surrealism I didn’t know what to candle wax forest upside down volcano coffin.


Me: I’ve decided to start a salon from home.
Also me: Hair just everywhere


[David Attenborough voice]

And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.