@thejessbess

Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.

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@SlayerSays

You can’t make blanket statements & expect people to take you seriously, but since I hate clowns I’m pretty sure everyone else does too.

@ABurgerADay

Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!

@markysumm

Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.

@mom_ontherocks

See you guys when I get out of prison.

My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.

@skittle624

How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.

@onedumbshark

When my doctor diagnosed me with surrealism I didn’t know what to candle wax forest upside down volcano coffin.

@ShellHasDragons

Me: I’ve decided to start a salon from home.
Also me: Hair just everywhere

@jctwritesstuff

[David Attenborough voice]

And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.