Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
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[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.